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check back March 2012.

Since a young age I've been skeptical of all of the mysticism of Christianity, despite that I was raised in the church and have always been a relatively spiritual person.

I grew up analyzing what I was hearing in the context of logic, history, and science.  I came to the conclusion that a lot of what conservative Christians believe is pretty crazy, but that Jesus guy?  He was right about a lot of stuff.  As I continued to study history and politics I became appalled that such radically conservative sectors of American society held up as their idol a man who was, essentially, a radical socialist hippie.

You might say I'm a radical socialist hippie myself, so I'm not opposed to people paying attention to Jesus's teachings.

A lot of conservative preachers talk about how "there is no way to salvation but through Jesus," and I'm beginning to think that maybe they're right.

Sort of.

I'm angered by the hopeless ignorance of the scientific method that accompanies conservative Christian beliefs, however if we — as a world — don't start "loving our neighbors" and "turning the other cheek" — core teachings of Jesus and many other philosophers — we really might be utterly screwed.  We can argue on and on and on about the dogma regarding Jesus (and I suspect a lot of it is false), but I fear that if we don't "accept Jesus" and his teachings about compassion and giving that we may indeed be doomed to destroy ourselves.

I dream of being happy again.  I dream of not worrying about having a safe, warm place to sleep and not worrying about having nutritious food in my belly.  I dream about having a dog, and not worrying about keeping it up to date on its shots & registration.  I dream of having regular dental & medical checkups; I dream about having the money to visit my grandparents and travel.

In my dreams I look for somewhere I can be close to nature again.  In my dreams I look for loving relationships not stressed by money.  In my dreams everyone has their basic needs met.  In my dreams I can travel from tribe to tribe, coast to coast and be an ambassador for my kind; I can learn about their cultures and teach them about my own.

In my dreams I’m surrounded by artists again; in my dreams I seek to master storytelling; in my dreams I am surrounded by dancers and artists and actors and in my dreams I live somewhere between the bland reality and the magnificent theater of the mind.  In my dreams I can go places with others that I could never go by myself.

In my dreams, I am happy again.  In my dreams I feel pain, but it is the pain of the ages… In my dreams I have forgiven, and I know where to place my anger.  In my dreams I can heal others.  In my dreams I can let others find me and heal me and help me to grow.

Who is this girl

and how did she come into my life?

I don’t know, but when I’m in my lowest low I can feel her skin against me.  In the lowest of my valleys, in the darkest of my times it’s like She’s God to me… holding me close and letting me know I’m loved.  In the darkest shadows with nothing else there, she’s there.  Who is she? And how did she make it here?  I don’t know, but I don’t know where I’d be without her.

How did I come to love her?  Who is this girl, and how did I come to love her?

I don’t know, and sometimes I feel bad for chasing after her, but I was struck and pulled… somehow she got a hook in me and she was beautiful, and I didn’t know who she was but I wanted to know… I wanted to look into her and know her.

God, who is she?

But I look into her now and I know her.  We’re both scared now and sometimes, but sometimes… aside from the pain and our foolish careless bumbling youth, I see her… I see her… I told her she was beautiful in the dark and she said, “but it’s dark!” and I hushed her and said, “shhh… I see you.  And you are beautiful…”

God, who is she?

I love her so much and sometimes I wonder if I keep on asking myself these questions because I’ll never really have the answers, I’ll never really have the words to describe her, the words to explain who she is, deep down.  I’m learning to write volumes on it now, in my head, but it’s because I know her, and I want to know her, and for some god-unknown mysterious reason she is the direction of the universe I want to know everything about.

Wow…

Why?

My other roommates are bigger than I — I am kind of "fun-sized," after all — and they took their showers with a hose that could drain to the outdoors.  Since it was summer, the water was warm-ish… but I decided I wanted a bath.  And hot water, more importantly.

See that hose hanging at the top of the picture?  That's from the kitchen sink.

Enormous blue tupperware, kitchen sink, hot water… voila, bathtime for Vic!  Since it was in the kitchen and I was getting to enjoy a bath for the first time in months, I decided it was snack time too.

Welcome to my life.  If you lived with me, you might just have walked past me on your way to the smoking area through the kitchen.  You would have been accustomed to seeing me walking around naked, but bathtime in the kitchen made for a funny picture-memory.